There are some books that you just can’t get into, some that you wish you never read, then occasionally there are the ones you can’t put down and dread when the remaining pages keep dwindling until you reach the end.
Those are the books I really love, and that’s exactly the kind of read Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance, turned out to be.
I had been meaning to read this one for a while now, however I just kept forgetting to place it on hold or purchase it on my way too frequent Amazon sprees. Yet I’m glad I waited until now to get to it because honestly this was the exact time I needed to read something like Modern Romance.
The premise is pretty simple and vastly interesting-if you haven’t read it, long and short Aziz teams up with several sociologists, psychologists and other relationship experts to explore how dating, relationships, and everything in between have changed over the last fifty years. The findings are extremely interesting and even more relatable than i would have considered before. There’s a segment which explores the games people play in texting, like limiting responses based on what the other person sent (I.e. if the other person sent a short text, you send one even shorter or the same length) and waiting to respond based on how long the other person took to text you. It sounds so crazy reading it but I know 100% I’m guilty of this and think probably a lot of us are.
Image courtesy of Netflix.
Modern Romance also goes into how relationships and dating vary across the world, primarily in Japan, Argentina and the US. It is fascinating to realize how drastically different marriage rates are not just around the world, but over the last three decades. It’s not surprising that the average age of marriage has definitely increased, but it is surprising that the rate of marriage is decreasing, at least it was to me.
It begged me to ask the question-could this be due to the modern technologies we have, like dating apps and online match making services?
The book also explained this phenomenon and I had to take a pause to consider my own experiences. In the book, Aziz references several different focus groups where the topic of dating apps and online services came up to mixed reviews. Some people praised them and others flinched and felt exhausted by them. I tried to think of what group I would fall under. Granted, I’ve only ever given online apps a fair try twice and both times I eventually deleted them after just not being enthused or feeling like they worked. Only one time did something pan out only to fall apart after the second or third date.
Modern Romance also hit the nail on the head with the “text traps”, where after you match with someone, it then spirals into a nonstop chain of back and forth texting, making and breaking plans to meet, until eventually it fizzles out, dies and one of the two individuals becomes the inevitable ghost. This I one hundred percent have both been a victim to and have done to someone else.
Finally, perhaps the most interesting piece in the book was the question of whether all this modern technology is helping or hurting people in finding love? Is modern romance actually still between two people, or is there an ever-present third party-technology?
Are these apps that connect people beneficial or damaging-presenting way too many potentials? You can match all day long, but how many of those matches and connections are worthwhile vs something that just sits in cyberspace, never to amount to anything? Are we always just waiting for the next best thing, and could that waiting be distracting us from the concept that perhaps maybe we have met the best thing and haven’t given that a fair shot? More to that point-are we simply waiting for a perfect person who we believe is the one and refuse to settle for anything less than those standards? We are worth that, right? Everyone always says not to settle, but what exactly even constitutes settling? Is that even a universal concept? As Aziz mentions, why not invest more time in getting to know a match instead of spending that time swiping?
Modern Romance forced me to evaluate my own approach to concepts of dating and love, relationships and commitment and did so in a way that I could laugh until I cried and cry until I laughed. It was humorous, sincere, and just overall an intriguing and pretty insightful view into how technology and time have shaped the way people meet, connect and ultimately/hopefully fall in love.
But ultimately, Modern Romance just really made me crave a big, spicy, steaming bowl of ramen.
Image courtesy of Netflix.
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